It's the 2nd of January - a Sunday. I've been driving for 8 hours. I have at least 5 more to go until I'm back in Pretoria. The road is long and anaemic. Nothing like the coastal roads I've become accustomed to along the garden route. This juxtaposition is enough to convince me to turn around. The thought of returning to a concrete jungle just feels so humdrum. But then...then I remember...I remember that the ring of an alarm clock in the dark can make me smile just the same as waking up to the rising sun.
For me, the last few months of 2021 encompassed a plethora of decisions aimed at embracing my freedom, absolutely. In stark contrast to the imperturbable regimes that I customarily find comfort in, I allowed waves of spontaneity to tumble me. Music festivals, road trips, hikes. Mountains, beaches, forests. Surfing, kayaking, bungy jumping. New people, new experiences, new perspectives. I concede, it's a joy to be tumbled. In fact, if you can hold your breath, allowing yourself to be tumbled for long enough - becoming so disoriented that it becomes impossible to tell which way is up - you get to define a whole new axis...a whole new up to swim toward. This all rests, however, on remembering that, at some point, you should stop the tumble and return to the surface. Pick a direction, and go. Otherwise, you risk being lost - forever - and drowning.
So this is me, returning to the breath. I've taken a deep dive into a pool of unknowns, and I've learned so much. More than I have the words to describe right now. And I'll carry these learnings with me. But, for me to contextualize my findings, I'm returning to that which is familiar. The people, places and habits that have been ever-present throughout my life. Early-morning gym sessions, customary work-days, afternoon runs. Daily news, traffic, taking out the trash. Old people, old experiences, old perspectives. I concede, familiarity can be dreary. But, it doesn't have to be. When I think of the stark contrast of regimen and adventure - and acknowledge the necessity for one in the existence of the other - I am as enlivened by returning to old habits as I am by jumping off a bridge, with a bungy cord strapped around my ankles.
Then again, I am never really returning to old habits, Am I? Yes, I can go back to the same place, geographically. Yes, I can perform the same actions, physically. But, no, I can never return to the same reality. As I sit here, now, at my desk. The same wooden desk I've sat at a thousand times before. Staring out the same window. I sit here with a whole new frame of reference. I close my eyes. This moment is not like any other - it is the only one of it's kind. Then I open my eyes. This moment is like every other because it is the only one of its kind.
Ring, ring. It's time to wake up.
"To be in time is to be asleep. To be awake is to be in eternity."
- Rajneesh