I've been staying at the ocean for a few weeks now. The opportunity availed itself to me and it just felt right. Things have been pretty normal. I still work remotely. I run in the mornings and attend a group yoga or pilates class on most afternoons. I've met some interesting people. It's a beautiful little community here. Most importantly though, I've made peace with the tides coming in, and going out. How simple it would be if I was just talking about the tides of the ocean.
What am a talking about then? Well - as per usual - I don't really know. I think maybe what I'm referring to is emotion. Feeling. Being in a beautiful place, like this...a place I've idealised for so long...spending an extended amount of time here makes me realize something. That I really have no control over how I feel. How I really feel. Sometimes the tide comes in. I feel optimistic. Motivated. Whimsical even. It's so easy to swim during these times. To ride the waves. Even the big, intimidating ones. There's no fear nor panic. No dread. But sometimes - even in the most beautiful of places - the tide goes out.
When the tide goes out, you can't help but feel hopeless. You know that fighting won't help, but you try anyway. You struggle against it. Kick and splash. But you don't get anywhere. Given enough time, you may even start to concede. Float on your back. Breath. Let it take you. I don't know if this is a good thing. It feels like there's a chance it may take you further than it's possible to come back from. To a place where, eventually, you'll sink. That's why I think sometimes, just sometimes, it's important to keep swimming upstream. Fight the current. Just enough to maintain hope. Just enough to stay afloat. Because, eventually, the tide will turn again.
And when it turns - if you've managed to stay afloat - it will bring you back. Back to shore. Where you can stand, and laugh, and play. Where you can interact with the world again. Appreciate the little things. The sun on your neck and the sand between your toes. The things that - just a short while ago - were so, so far away. And then, it's kind of funny. Cruel. But funny. Because, in your bliss, you will inevitably become complacent. You'll become arrogant. You'll think that you've got it all figured out. That the tide will never drag you into the depths again. Precisely then, you'll look up and see that it's already happened. And, again, it's time to fight.
But fight you must. For the love of God, just fight. It may seem hopeless. The beach just a speck on the horizon. You'll have forgotten how good it was to be on your feet. Convince yourself that admitting defeat is the better option. But just fight. You won't want to hear it, but - guaranteed - you'll thank yourself for it. When the flow replaces the eb again. When the tide brings you back. You'll dust yourself off, and you'll love yourself for it.
"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
- Harriet Beecher Stowe