Sometimes, I open my eyes and see a world that's bound to fall apart, as soon as I stop playing my role. A house of cards, so to speak, that's resting on my back and destined to come falling down the moment that I flinch. When I find myself looking for security, I find myself looking for a way to keep it all in order, without having to work so damn hard for it. Of course, it's all a fallacy. Of course, true security comes from realizing I have no hand to play at all. Accepting everything will be just fine without me, but wanting to do my part, anyway.
This is something I chase like a shadow. Every time I think I have it, it only takes a moment for me to realize that the circle is not entirely complete. And then, I go down the rabbit hole. I sink into the idea that the only way to complete the circle, is by drawing no circle at all. I let go of all my earthly posessions, expecting to be freed. And for a moment, only a moment, I am free. Before I start drawing a circle again. Because such is life. Not to draw, is not to live. And, simply, we must choose life. So, we draw - aiming at something, completing it, and realizing it was the wrong thing to aim for; or, forgetting what it was supposed to be in the first place, and getting stuck, chasing our tails, in trying to remember.
What on earth am I on about? I don't know to be honest. I wanted to write about security. But I got lost with regards to what security actually means. Let me try again. I think, security means that you can be, just be. Just be, with no obligations, just be. Just be, with no desire, just be. Just be, without bounds to the past or plans for the future, just be. Ah. I see now. The reason I got confused was because I'm trying to define security in terms of something that does not exist. Because, we must eat. We must drink. Sure as life, we must breath. So, if I mention a state that is absent of obligations or desires, I'm dabbling in the wishy washy - the non-existent - and everything I subsequently say, is bound to be wishy washy.
Let's not do that again. Let's try define security in terms of something real. Something, practical. For me, security means that you can be, but not just be. Security means that you can be, with contededness about your obligations, and your desires. If you are not content about your obligations, you must simply remove some of your desires. If you are not content about your desires, well, you are going to have to add some more obligations. It must be noted, however, that sometimes, obligations and desires are not yours to choose. For instance, you do not decide when you feel thirsty. And so, security is not a state that you can attain, and keep. Security is a feeling that you must choose whether you want to chase, or not.
Peace, on the other hand, peace is a whole different story...
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature."
- Helen Keller